So at one point I had all these nice little links on the side of my blog.... you will notice that they are still there but if you try to go through my link it sends you to blogdrive which means of course that I didn't do it properly. The problem is that I did it the same as I always have done it and yet it still isn't working.... SOOOOO frustrating.
I think thats all of my rant for the day

It is safe to say that everyday we have the choice of deciding many things. We have the choice to smile or frown, to be happy or sad, to live or die, to lie or to tell the truth, to show our true feelings or to hide under the many masks that we all wear.

This little bit of knowledge is something that I think I forgot. I forgot that I had the choice.

I am in the middle of reading a book called Traveling Light. Now I don't know if its a modern way of thinking or a post modern, or if its relevant or not, what I do know is that for no apparent reason it caught my attention at the library last week and has stuck with me.

I am finding it very interesting... it talks specifically about that fact that every day we choose to carry with us an abundance of bags. Bags of sorrow, grief, arrogance and trunks of guilt that drag us down. This led me to thinking about what I have been carrying with me. Whether it be recently or from years long ago, I continue to carry this stuff that loads me down.

Now, I by no means necessary have life figured out, but this book has got me thinking that maybe its time to give it all up. Time to LET IT GO.

A lot of my posts lately have been echoing similar thoughts so why is it that I am still hanging on for dear life??? I don't know.

But I do know that I am going to try really hard to make better decisions about what I carry with me.

So, I am not that much into country music.... however this song from the Dixie Chicks has been getting a lot of air time lately and it has a lot of lyrics that hit me as true with some of the stuff going on in life.

I think that sometimes when we work through stuff its hard to be optimistic about life. But at the same time I guess we have to be. We have to be optimistic to let go of the stuff that drags us down. We have the choice each morning when we get up what baggage we are going to carry with us, guilt, selfishness, pride, anger, compassion, truthfullness, love etc... I am trying to let go of a lot of the crap. Thats why a post like thoughts on fathers day gets posted. I realize feelings get them out there... and the trickiest part....LET THEM GO!!!

ANY WAY enough of the rambling... the song lyrics:

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

So fathers day is one of my least favourite days. But this year I decided to be reflective.... be kind to my attempt at poetry. I do realize though that there are some pretty great dads out there... and to you I say Bravo.... your kids are lucky to have you.

A Poem for my Father

Dear Daddy your not, nor have you ever been,
my father I'll call you though your hardly seen.

For love and compassion is something I've got,
but a loving dear daddy is something your not.

The time now has passed, the tears I'm done crying,
the love that was there is gone because of your lying.

Waiting still here for the memories to fade,
all because of the decisions you've made.

Sorrow I feel not for you but for the boys,
who no longer can be bought with candy and toys.

One day you will wake up, one day you will see,
that daddy's little girl, has always been me.

Too little to late, to start paying attention,
I am no longer going to wait here, stuck in detention.

Always forgive is a nice way to live,
if only I had something more in me to give.

So sitting here waiting, no more remorse here to feel,
for forgetting it seems is needed to heal.

Working so hard to keep it together,
Hope it's nice tomorrow... with much better weather....

So probably  for the last like 2 months or so I have felt lost. The hard thing is that its not anything that I can really explain or that anyone can really help me understand. The good thing is that I am learning alot about myself and mostly trying to stick to it.

I have learned that I hate it when people ignore things I tell them or things that they should already know.
My feelings matter and what I tell you about me or somethig to do with me, should be enough. Regardless of what other people feel, say or do... I am the one (besides God) who knows me the best.
Blind dates are the worst thing ever invented.
I do not encourage the people in my life as much as I should.
8 months may be too late to save a relationship.
I don't think that I can go back to the place that I was at and that scares me. I don't know what to do now!
I feel like the major things/opinions in my life need to be redefined but don't know where to start.
I bought the movie that I have detested for so long from a garage sale, but still can't bring myself to watch it.
I was asked why I hang on to the stupidest/silliest things for so long and the only answer is that I don't know!

There are many other things going on in my wee little brain, but I thought that maybe by posting some of the stuff I have figured out and some of the other thoughts might explain why my posts have been more on the serious side and sooo infrequent. My mom always said that if you don't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all; and its taken a while but I am trying to uphold to that. I am still alive and I am ok, but things have been better in life.(thats an ok thing) We go through the tough times to make the good times seem so great!